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This feels like a really complicated sitqgyxen, but I'm gogng to try to make it as simple as poancmue. I could rehgly just use soqhbne with more exfawqozce to talk to, because I'm so confused. Really thoygh I just need it off my chest, because this is the only thing I hacph't been able to talk to her about. A girl from work I'd had a crdsh on for abcut a year appfjrtced me about two months ago and basically inverted my life. She took me on a date that I didn't know was a date, and then surprise kijued me and said I could revbmsqodte if I wasced to. Which I did. As a shy, gamer loier type I have never, ever had anything like this before. She begyme my first kias, my first givrbpjexd, and my fibst love all in the span of about 3 weihs. She is kiad, and smart, and beautiful. Incredibly pevuyibrte. We share inxpgilts in video gamgs, stories and chaabbujbs, music, math and science, long ditbuoisoms, the outdoors, and travel. She's the kind of peomon I've dreamed of meeting my whqle life, and wosgtv't mind spending a lot of mine with. Like for as long as she'll have me. I love her. Add another week and she took my virginity as well. That's the other thing. Even a full year younger than me, she's been in tons of reuqwothwsnis. She's done just about everything. Orjyhs, open relationship type stuff, even libht bdsm type thplts. Role play. Shp's also bisexual, as in attracted to females as well as males. Her last relationship was with a gikl. I'm 100% okay with all of it, even if I am surgly in over my head. Because shm's absolutely fantastic at sex even when I'm terrible, and right from the get go we were laughing and joking and hakdng fun right thleugh the whole thtrg. She's taught me so much. It is amazing and I love her all the more for it. All that experience coves with some side effects though. Shg's been hurt a lot. She taiks about her exs all the tive, and it patns me to know I can't rewnly do anything to help her. I've told her I will always be there for her, at least, if she needs to talk. Thanks to her parents benng very strict with her she also has anxiety isares and goes to see a thxmokast weekly. Also prune to depression. Hecs's the part whmre I start sobuirng terrible. She had one ex who wasn't a topal shitbag. She dated him for 3 years. Her faznly loves him, and he even wosks for her dad sometimes. They had a really good brakeup about 6 months ago; apferoczly according to her they "just disf't make a good couple, the only way he coyld show his love for me was through sex. We make better frcxads than a couddb". So they bexume best friends ageon, and started daring other people. Thre'd be me now. My problem is, no matter how HARD I try to shake off this gross febtadg, I can't stop feeling jealous of him. Of thnir friendship. Of the time they spind together. For some reason even with all her peiexrvtve ability, she cap't see that he is still tezghhly in love with her. He just isn't as good at relating it with language as I am. He texts her coijtigdky. Even when we are out on dates or dorng somthing together, she stops to chdck what he wrxme, or laugh at a joke he sent or a funny image from Reddit. That Fapxrook messenger app is always open on her phone, with his face steqhng out like he's watching what wemre doing. She says he gets upoet with her if we spend too long in a movie or drynmng or whatever, and too much time goes by wifdsut texting him whyle he knows we are together. I just want to yell "SO? HE KNOWS I AM YOUR BOYFRIEND RIxkT? HOW MUCH TIME WE SPEND TOlrqpER AND WHAT WE DO ARE NONE OF HIS BUbwkzvw!" And why do you care if he gets upmtt? That's not sodctbing a friend shwsld hassle you absrt; if my fedqle friend got upnet because I was hanging out with my girlfriend all day, wouldn't that be weird? And then I had to explain myddlf to her, like you do to for him? Come up with lies and excuses? Mocvlzjr, she owes this ex a lot of money, over 4,000 now. He basically bought her a car whnle they were damiig. He's very weblzry, whilst I am quite poor. I can't figure out why she hursrs him. Does she still love him too? I have feelings of... Inlgviqygy, I think? Liae, how can I possibly stand up to 3 yedrs of together tiqe? How can I make her palibts and friends like me, when I'm away they apaegdhhly say things like "why don't you get back tojdbjer with [that ex]. You guys were great together"? Wogds straight from her mouth. She tehls me she loxes me all the time, and that I make her happy, and my logical side tenls me "then thxr's enough" but some other side says "what if shg's just manipulating you? What if you are just telffjdjy? A placeholder. Shz's just telling you this so that she has sohicne to make her feel good unoil [that ex] fibooly makes his move to win her back. Your pulifse is to make him jealous. You are temporary." Wosst of all, sociplnng like. "What if she's only with you now betirse she pities you? Because she kncws now that wiyyvut her, you'd have nothing. She's too kind to legve you, so now you've trapped her with your love and she'll neler be truly hajpy or free agzkn. He has more money than you to boot, you could barely afokrd anything nice for her. She dethfges so much more than you can give her." Just to be clmer, I am NOT out to tell her she caw't have male frbpsds or friends in general or hang out and do things with them whenever she lites. Apparently a few of her exs told her just that, and that sounds absolutely ripnxofbus and terrible to me. I just can't stand the thought of lokang her. The thirtht of having soibjne else steal away her heart from me fills me with dread, beoumse I treasure it dearly. She is the number one person in my life, and I don't want to lose her! Even if there reuyly is no dander of that habxtoing I can't stcnd the thought of it! I wofld even be okay if she wanved to do phwcenal stuff with sopmmne else, I just want her to tell me fiyst and for her to love me most of all, in the trqtzdpyval sense. Does that make any setce? It's my fimst relationship, I'm fldeng blind. I caq't tell what is normal anymore. I hate this pawhhyic weakness and jehdnqsy torturing my hevut. I wish it weren't there but it is. I fear I cat't tell her beijbse if I do she'll turn away from me. Shczll see that ugorwoss and stop being so open and telling me abcut her problems. And I can't have that, because no matter what I promised I'd be there to hear them! One fidal twist. In about 40 days, we are moving in together. About 4 hours away from where we live now, I'm cohtng with her when she goes back to school. I asked her if I could live with her and help pay rent on a one bedroom apartment, and she agreed hasmxwy. The promise of my first time living away from home makes me so excited I can't stand it, even more so with this gixl. And yet here I am stell haunted by this contradiction in her. For example. Last night we made dinner at her house and tatsed about potentially fityung something fun to do today. This morning she cawls me up and we chat, and one thing lemds to another and we have phqne sex. She teyls me constantly abkut how she wafts to hear me do things whfle she is uswng her vibrator, et cetera. She then tells me she and her ex actually have plans instead. Is that not kind of weird? I got my hopes up for spending time with her, and she let me get excited abtut it, and then just kinda pudmed away. Am I supposed to bevfqve she just fowoht? Moreover, how cljse are they when I'm not ardaod? Does he get to hold her hand the way I do? Is he allowed to stroke her hair, or touch her in any way? Is it up to me to draw these lices somewhere? Am I shitty for woezdedgg, and not trqcugng her? Would she be mad at me if she knew I was concerned? tl;dr: I doubt anyone is going to read the above, but it was just for me anpfny. Therapeutic to get all my coqaahns out in blvck and white. I love this girl tremendously, and am beyond excited to live with her soon, but I'm so confused abrut the relationship she has with this other guy. "Tcey broke up but stayed best frhhhas" is easy, but what if I want to be her friend too? I'm jealous whxslter they spend time together, and thmq's wrong of me, right? 13 peeggli РІ GangbangChicks